Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't deserve a penis
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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