If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
