omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
