Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
