I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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