Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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