you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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