I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
