Your dad touched me again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
