This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I am naked and annoyed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
