Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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