Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
