guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
