Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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