Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
