My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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