I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
