Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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