oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
