She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
