had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize