I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
