you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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