She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
