Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize