bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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