Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
