How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
