she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
