benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize