Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
