Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
