I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
