All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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