It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
