If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
