You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
