We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
