@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
