WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
