I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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