remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
