My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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