How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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