Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
