I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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