Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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