just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
