You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I touched a dick in church today
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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