when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize