please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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