to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
