yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
