No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
