Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
