he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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