this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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