So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
