My room smells like vodka and shame
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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