Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
