I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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