Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
