The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
