We won't sleep together?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
