I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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